Recently, when I resumed posting again, I found an embarrassing number of incomplete posts in my "AI Dreams" folder. However, after the difficulties of the past nine months, I have gained a new energy and perspective that has helped me get back on track and stay focused.

Despite what this website's title may imply, a human is behind the keyboard. However, my life is so closely tied to my computer usage — for leisure, work, and communication — that I feel more like a cyborg than a mere human. I'm sure many can relate, whether they feel this way about their computers or their smartphones. That said, when I discuss myself here, I usually focus on my perspectives and values rather than my personal journey or life experiences.

I don’t really like talking about such things because I’ve always assumed no one wanted to hear about my life and its troubles. However, I was blind to my own hypocrisy. I have often found strength in hearing about others going through similar struggles as myself, whether it was the strength to overcome obstacles or to fight to ensure others don't go through the same things.

So let's discuss my journey so far during the current decade. I moved out during a pandemic, contracted COVID-19 twice, received an ADHD diagnosis, and underwent testing for cardiovascular disease only to have some other problem discovered. However, despite these trials, I am doing better than ever.

The most notable events at the start of this decade were the COVID-19 virus and the media shitstorms surrounding it. During the initial years, I noticed that some people put their lives on hold, assuming they could resume their plans once the pandemic ended. Others recognised that waiting for a better situation wasn't conducive to living and took action towards their goals. This made me realise the importance of pursuing my objectives rather than becoming someone who waits indefinitely for unknown times to change. As no one knew how long the pandemic would last or if it would end, I found it easy to decide to keep working towards my goals. Why wait for an uncertain future?

A change of environment

Firstly, I moved to the other side of Sydney. I wasn't making a fantastic amount of money — I was well below the market average for my profession — but I made just enough to rent a place in a decent location. It was highly fortunate for me, as there were many benefits to moving out of a toxic household.

This point was starkly put into perspective for me by a few people I know who keep putting off making a similar change in their lives. They seemed to be waiting for their situation to improve while ignoring the fact that improving their situation required them to make drastic changes. I wanted to avoid getting stuck in the same position for longer than I had been.

It was a peculiar time to move, given that COVID-19 lockdowns were still widespread. As a result, the process was slightly simplified, with some agents offering video tours of properties and inspections being put on hold for the following year. Furthermore, as I mentioned in my post about the costs of living, prices were about to go up in the near future, making my timing fortunate in securing a lower rate compared to what we see these days. (The rates can still be increased, but there are regulations outlined by NSW Fair Trading regarding that.)

Work, work

Working from home due to lockdowns freed me from the time and stress of commuting to the CBD for work. Fortunately, like many others, the company I worked for decided to make this working-from-home culture a permanent shift. Ironically, it took a pandemic for them to realise how much they could save on costs and increase productivity with such a change. But then again, when have decision-makers been known to make good decisions?

Regardless, the positive impact of not travelling to work extended quite far. It saved me time and energy spent on preparation to go outside, spending on food while out, recovery time from travelling, and related costs. All that extra time and energy, as well as reduced stress and expenses, freed me up to focus on other things.

The next significant step I took was to leave my place of employment. Many problems existed, including unchecked harassment and unequal pay for equal work. Numerous new hires also caused increased stress and wasted time through their interactions with the rest of us, and stricter deadlines were made more difficult to meet due to the constant time-wasting.

However, I managed to escape by finding a much better job. The change has been a phenomenal improvement to many aspects of my work life, and I now have respectful co-workers and a pre-set career progression system. I no longer have anxiety in the morning regarding what might come up during stand-up, nor do I have anxiety throughout the day about what new time-waster someone might throw my way or how they might try to manipulate those on my team.

COVID-19, part one

Regarding the elephant in the room known as COVID-19, I didn't contract it until April 2022, and I'm not quite sure how it happened. My best guess is that I caught it during a visit to the local medical centre. After that, I began to feel the symptoms of a cold, but when the weekend arrived, and I felt a fever starting to set in, I knew it was COVID-19.

The first few days of the fever were mild, and on the third day, I confirmed the diagnosis with a RAT test. Then the fever worsened until it burnt out on the fourth or fifth day. During this short period, it impacted my ability to think, resulting in me not going to a hospital even though I had symptoms that encouraged it.

Despite this, my recovery wasn't too bad, and I took a whole week off work to rest. I had an annoying cough that made talking almost impossible and left me out of breath for months afterwards, but that was manageable. My co-workers and I admittedly had a few laughs over my having to nod or shake my head in response during the first few weeks back at work.

COVID-19, part two

The second time I got COVID-19 was about 7 months later. It resulted from attending a wedding reception of about 300 people and was much easier to get through, but the recovery was much worse. I didn't have a cough this time, but debilitating fatigue. At one point, I could barely get work done because I was trying to learn something new, and the focus required was too much. There was more than one day in which I fell asleep in my chair.

I went from thriving from facing challenges to barely staying awake long enough to complete tasks I was comfortable with. Despite my efforts to find answers, including multiple tests and visits to specialists, no one could explain what was happening to me. The experience of being unable to find a solution was frustrating and disheartening. At first, doctors seemed optimistic about finding a solution, but their attitude changed as time passed, and they could not figure out what was wrong. I felt like I was being treated like a hypochondriac.

Also, there was constant advice to take more time off work. The doctors I spoke to seemed as though they had no idea what life is like for someone who needs to work to support themselves. It wasn't until a few months later, when I was talking about their attitudes, that how a GP's job works was explained to me and their lack of empathy, while no less frustrating, made more sense.

But wait, there's more?

Earlier this year, I started preparing to be tested for ADHD, recommended via the logic that perhaps I had undiagnosed ADHD all this time and the side effects of COVID-19 merely pushed me to an extreme where it became unmanageable. To top it off, someone I worked with and respect very much told me that I did seem to show symptoms that reminded him of his personal experience with ADHD.

After being tested, I received a decisive positive diagnosis of ADHD. The accompanying cognitive test revealed why my fatigue exacerbated the condition: I had previously offset the adverse effects of ADHD with brute intelligence. I had learned to complete challenging tasks quickly so that even if I procrastinated, I could catch up and get ahead in a shorter amount of time. It was explained that high intelligence could help one overcome ADHD, whereas low intelligence could cause ADHD to be a severe hindrance.

It was a harsh realisation, but I refuse to let any diagnosis define me. Regardless, I will do my best to live a fulfilling life and not use it as an excuse not to try. I cannot speak for other people's experiences with ADHD, but if I am not focusing or getting something done, I am aware it's because I am prioritising what I feel like doing over what I should be doing. The primary indication is that I could focus for long periods on things I wanted to do and achieve them, even if it was something as simple as playing a game. (Although, yes, that is a symptom of ADHD.) Instead of making excuses or waiting for the stars to align, I will remind myself to do what I must and go from there. There's a chance I don't need medication to achieve everything I want in life, and that's something worth giving an honest attempt.

A new normal

As the months passed by, I found myself experiencing a plethora of emotions ranging from frustration to hopelessness. Despite the challenges, I persisted, kept writing, and learned new things while ensuring I cared for myself. For example, I've been journaling every night since the end of January, learnt to make candles and bath soak salts, and have tried many new recipes in the kitchen that have resulted in some delicious meals.

Initially, everything moved at a slower pace. But with time, I started to notice improvements. I kept pushing myself, and I can happily say everything is back to normal. I daresay things are even better than my old normal as I've let go of many entitled notions that had begun to seep in due to my new life of relative comfort.

That was probably the weirdest thing of all. I was so used to constant anxiety that when I finally learned to live without it, it felt like something was wrong. The reduction of toxic and/or self-centred people in my life felt strange — the lack of dealing with their emotionally draining demands left a void in my day. But like many things I've encountered and gotten past, acknowledging it in the first place was an essential step that helped me get to where I am now.

The next step has been filling that void with fulfilling activities so that I can spend that time and energy saved in creating new beneficial habits. After all, what's the point of escaping toxicity and draining self-centred people if I replace them with more of the same nonsense?

To tomorrow and beyond

After overcoming all the challenges, I suddenly had to deal with more health-related concerns. I recently underwent a plethora of tests, including an ECG, blood tests, and an MRI of my brain, to ensure that I don't have any cardiovascular disease. The risk is that I have a strong family history of stroke, even at a very young age, and I recently experienced worrying symptoms that prompted a visit to the GP in the first place.

The MRI has produced some results that require examination by a neurologist. Fortunately, they are benign, but I will likely need to monitor them annually to ensure they don't grow. It is challenging because I don't have a history of scans to refer to, so we can only begin tracking it now.

Regardless of the outcome and whatever happens to me in the future, my plans and outlook will not change. If there's something to learn from this, it's that the future is always uncertain, and life is not without struggles. Even the most carefully laid plans can fall apart due to unforeseen circumstances.

As I keep repeating over and over again, the point is not to have a life completely free of difficulty but a fulfilling one. I can only speak for myself, but so far, I don't have any reason to think of my own life as anything but one well-lived. That isn't to say that I haven't made many mistakes — I have, and of those, there are some I genuinely wish I hadn't made. But I've responded to them by trying to be a better person than I was in the past, and partly because of that, I can say I don't have regrets.

Instead of waiting for the perfect conditions to move forward, I've found it's better to take action and adapt to changing circumstances. By being flexible and resilient, I can forge ahead and create a fulfilling life despite adversity. So I will continue to embrace the challenges that come my way and use them as stepping stones to a brighter future because the alternative is feeling sorry for myself and leaving everything up to chance, and.. well, fuck that.